Lembur.

Jiwa ku sudah melanglang buana entah ke ujung dunia mana.
Entah ke peraduanku.
Entah ke pelukanmu.
Yang jelas tidak disini.
Bersama raga ku yang masih membatu.
Menyelesaikan kata demi kata yang tak kunjung selesai.

14 Juni 2018 - Menjelang libur lebaran.

Grotta Azzurra - Sutan Takdir Alisjahbana

Berikut ini merupakan beberapa kutipan dari roman karya Sutan Takdir Alisjahbana dengan judul Grotta Azzurra yang saya kumpulkan karena cukup relevan dengan pengalaman pribadi dan juga situasi yang marak terjadi di masa sekarang. Sejujurnya, saya belum selesai membacanya tapi pesan-pesan dalam buku ini terlalu bagus untuk hanya disimpan dalam alam pikiran saya sendiri. I just can't hold myself to notes and shares all of the relevant things on that book.

"Laki-laki adalah seperti burung elang. Apabila ia telah menangkap ikan dalam cakarnya dan membawanya ke sarangnya, matanya masih tetap memandang ke laut melihat ikan-ikan yang lain."

"Anda maklum, bahwa perempuan itu sukar menahan ingin tahunya, logikanya hanya sekali-sekali dipakainya."

"Anda lupa, bahwa sepanjang sejarah golongan agama kafir-mengkafirkan, seolah-olah Tuhan itu menjadi monopoli mereka masing-masing. Dan alangkah banyak kekebalan, kecurangan, ketidakadilan, kekejaman yang dilakukan atas nama agama, atas nama Tuhan!" 

"Kalau kita terima sifat manusia sebagai makhluk politik sebagai sifat hewan, yang berebut kekuasaan, berebut makanan, berebut betinanya, siapa yang kuat yang dapat, rasa saya kita harus menerima pula, bahwa pada suatu ketika bom atom itu akan dipakai untuk menghancurkan kehidupan manusia." 

"Itukah yang agaknya dikatakan orang, bahwa tiap-tiap perkawinan itu, apabila telah lama sering menjadi dingin dan laki-laki itu sebagai makhluk yang aktif dan gelisah berusaha menguasai cinta yang baru? Bahwa bagi laki-laki itu tak ada ikatan? Bahwa ia senantiasa terus memburu: yang dapat hari ini esok ditinggalkannya, untuk mendapat yang baru pula, sebab pemburuan dan penguasaan itu baginya lebih penting daripada mendapat dan menikmati pendapatannya itu. Benarkah disini letaknya perbedaan antara laki-laki dan perempuan, karena perempuan dalam percintaan itu mengurbankan seluruh dirinya. Karena alam menyerahkan kepadanya bagian yang terpenting daripada pelanjutan jenis manusia, tak mungkin lah ia menjadi segelisah laki-laki dan bertualang dia." 

Diperbaharui pada tanggal 18 Juli 2018 (and will be re-updated later soon). 

You know what? It hurts me a lot.

"Anakku kepala nya hancur.", tukas ayahanda Daniel.

"Wenny akhirnya bisa mengampuni penjahat itu. Dengan hati yang rela dia menyerahkan Evan dan Nathan ke pangkuan Tuhan.", kata Ratna Handayani, salah seorang kerabat Wenny.

My tears just fall off.

Saya tidak akan membahas tentang terorisme disini. Selain karena tidak begitu paham dan tidak ahli dalam bidangnya, menurut saya they (the terrorists) just don't deserve these glimpses of highlight. Terlebih lagi, saya tidak mau berasumsi mengenai latar belakang terhadap aksi-aksi yang mereka lakukan, kaidah yang mereka anut, siapa saja mereka, dan lain sebagainya. I just don't want to talk about them.

Saya memang tidak pernah tahan ketika melihat anak-anak menjadi korban dalam suatu peristiwa. Mulai dari praktik aborsi, perdagangan anak, eksploitasi anak, asusila terhadap anak, kekerasan terhadap anak, anak yang menjadi korban doktrin dari kedua orang tua nya sendiri sampai anak-anak yang harus menjadi korban dalam suatu peperangan atau aksi-aksi radikalisme yang belakangan ini sering terjadi.

Sejenak, imajinasi saya kembali ke masa kecil saya dulu. Masa dimana berangkat sekolah pagi-pagi dan bermain bersama teman-teman sepulang sekolah adalah rutinitas yang sangat menyenangkan. Tidak ada yang saya takutkan saat itu, selain takut diculik kalau pulang sekolah sendiri :)

Sekarang coba bayangkan, bisa jadi rutinitas itu juga dilakukan oleh Daniel, Evan, dan Nathan. Usia memang rahasia Tuhan, bagaimana usia terhenti pun memang sudah jadi rencana Nya. Tapi tidak pernah ada yang rela apabila suatu perbuatan keji melahirkan korban-korban yang tidak bersalah, terlebih lagi anak-anak. Belum lagi anak-anak yang menjadi korban doktrin dari kedua orang tua nya sendiri. Their future just ended up like this, while they are supposed to be happy with their own routines like many other kids.

Tidak ada yang tau akan sampai kapan kekacauan ini terjadi. I hope that the situation will get better soon. R. J. Palacio said that "when given the choice between being right or being kind, choose kind." I truly agree. Please just be kind to others then I believe that you will always be right.

Love-Hate Relationship.

Kuningan, Jakarta

Can I asked for a better city to live?

To build a family. To growing up and old. To raise and educate my children. To develop my own self. To have a good life. 

I currently live in one of the busiest city in Indonesia. People are always in hurry in almost everything, they said 'time is money' and most of them wishes to have more than 24 hours in a day. Going to work before the sun rises and going home on midnight. No time for family or even their children. You just can keep busy and forget your loved one without feeling guilty, because this city required us to keep doing that. The truth is, you can't just sit at home to have a better life in this city.

People come and go to this city in order to reach their own obsession and dreams. This city sometimes brings luck or failure to them. It sometimes makes them happy, sad or stressed them out. Tragically, the stressed one sometimes end up with suicide (like happened earlier). Some of them are doing 'everything' just to fulfill their needs or having a glittery life. Specifically, in a negative way. Criminality, prostitution, etc are included. All of which comes up due to one purpose, to have a good life.

It sometimes came across my mind to moved to another city. But still, I'll be missed the hustle and bustle of this city. Yes indeed, it stressed me out sometimes to keep doing the same chores over and over again in this city but it what's keeps me alive. I agree that there is always a good thing in a bad situation. Being busy makes me more appreciate the life that I currently have. As simple as, having a me time at the coffee-shop, being around my family, friends or loved one. Being just at home, reading books, cooking good dishes, cuddling with loved one, etc. I really appreciate every little things in life even in the midst of my busy day.

This city will never fall asleep and you just can't stop its crowd. One thing that you should have is a place called home. A home to come back, to rely on, to get some rest, to recharge the energy, after you went over from the chaos of this city. Thereafter, I believe that you'll be safe to living a life in this city.

To Whatever Happens.

At the end, I have to trust God on whatever currently happen or will be happen. It means, I have to be ready to accept things that I like or dislike. I have so many plans but only God knows the best. Of course, God has arranged all of the things way before we came to this earth. Trusting God means to feel sincere. I know it's kinda hard to feel sincere (which currently happen to me), but I think if I already feel it, I would be more enjoy to living a life with no hard-feelings, content and light.

It suddenly crossed my mind after I finished Asr prayer. Whatever He wills happens, and whatever He does not will does not happen. That is sincere. I couldn't agree more.

Okay, I rest my case. I don't know how to handle my 'to-much-thinking' habit. It sometimes stressed me out or freaking me out.

In other case, something that currently happen to me have changed my life-plans, habit and mindset. Even on the very simple thing. For example, I was a person who's easy to spend money just for (sometimes) unproductive (mostly productive) 'me time' at the coffee shop. Having a "me time" is surely needed, It heals and helps you to think independently and clearly. The problem is, I spent it very often. Which mean a lot of money to be spent. The thing that currently happen has successfully controlled me to do the unproductive or unnecessary things. It was freaking me out at first. But, along the times, I'm getting used to it.

Okay, once again, I rest my case. It's not that easy to writing at the office, even I have my own working room. Somebody could suddenly come to my room without any permission. Yes, I'm writing this thoughts at the office because I don't want waste my money to the coffee shop haha I'm not that hard on myself. It's okay as long as not very often.

To whatever happens, I'm ready. Bismillah. 

The Beatles - If I Fell

If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand
'Cause I've been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holding hands

If I give my heart to you
I must be sure
From the very start
That you would love me more than her

If I trust in you oh please
Don't run and hide
If I love you too oh please
Don't hurt my pride like her

'Cause I couldn't stand the pain
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain

So I hope you see that I
Would love to love you
And that she will cry
When she learns we are two
'Cause I couldn't stand the pain
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain

So I hope you see that I
Would love to love you
And that she will cry
When she learns we are two
If I fell in love with you

Songwriter: John Winston Lennon / Paul James McCartney

I loved the way we were convincing each other in almost everything. The way we were trying so hard to let each other know the deepest and the hardest part of ours. The way we always make time for each other even in the midst of our busy days. I loved the way he makes me feel this way.

So Loved.

11/02/18 - One Fine Day at Cikampek Toll Road

Saya bersyukur hari ini 

Bahwa saya dijatuhkan pada kesederhanaan 

Tidak pada kesempurnaan 

----------------

Bersamanya 

Bahagia itu berpijak di bumi 

Namun seperti terbang ke langit

----------------

28 March 2018 - Nothing but loved. So loved.

I'm Lost.

"I still remember the days I prayed for the things I have now."

I quoted the above sentence just to remind me that I have been in a situation where I was working ambitiously to reach the things that I have now. 

Our after-busy-working-day-call turns out to become very serious when he said that I have been in my comfort zone right now. He advised that I should try any other challenging things just to improve my own self and also to reach the main goal of mine.

Goals. So what is your main goal? I actually asking to myself and I didn't have any specific answer.

When I was at law school, I desired to become a corporate lawyer. I was visualizing myself with business attire, going to one negotiation to other negotiation, advising about business and economic in legal aspect to the client, etc. I was thinking that it was the coolest thing I will ever have. Until i realized that I currently there.

So I'm asking again, is that a goal? I still don't have the answer.

I'm in the crisis to know what I actually want in life. When he was asking me what is my main goal, I just could easily explained every steps and plans that I want to conduct. However, the moment I hung up his phone become a moment of my doubt about all of the plans that I have said.

God, I truly lost.

Moved On (literally).

I have moved to another medium. I don't think that everyone know what are my previous and current medium. But since both of such mediums are open for public so that maybe only certain people who knew it. Maybe someone who really curious or having any purposes with me. Whatever, I don't care with that one. I'm just really sad on why i have to moved.

I moved to another medium due to governmental restriction which does not make any sense to me. It seems unfair to generalized the user of such medium with another trashy user.

Everyone has claimed to bring back such medium, but we don't have any power unless there are any petition or any written statement letter to the government.

There is one of Fiersa Besari's thought at Twitter which explained everything in regards to this matter:

I intentionally searched any kind of porn website on Google and they are still open to be accessed. Congratulations!

The Unexpected One that I'm Forever Grateful

Actually, I never know where life would bring me. I think it is the nature of life itself which will become a mystery to everyone who live. One day, you were planning to close your heart. Next day, it just opened by itself.

I never expect to met him again after a very long time. Moreover, I never expect to love him (again). I once heard that children is the most honest creature. Children mostly speak the truth about something that they really want or feel. Everything comes up from their heart are pure and real. Yes, he is my first love. My childhood’s love.

I know that he must be a different person compare to the first time we met. We were so young at that time and I almost forgot what ages we were. I just remember that there was a day when he came over to me and gave me a love-shape key-chain. Since that day, such key-chain was hanging to my door’s room until I graduated from college. Such key-chain also become a reason why i cannot absolutely forget him even I have went to somewhere else or sticked with someone else. I lost that key-chain two years ago (which is 2016) and at the end of last year (2017), I met him again with the same feeling which I felt approximately 13 years ago.

Once again, I never know where life would bring me sooner or later. I just hope that whatever the end of this story, it will be the best thing that God has plan to me.